Well, I failed to make an entry yesterday and guess what – today I acted out. Very disappointed in myself. I was feeling very tempted last night, and was already in the “sex trance” as it’s called in the cycle of sexual addiction. Even feeling that way, if I had forced myself to come on here and make a recovery diary entry it might have helped me veer away from temptation today.
One thing I’ve had in my “back pocket” in terms of stopping this addiction is going to 12 step meetings in person, getting a sponsor etc. If I act out one more time during 2016 then I am definitely going to start going to these meetings, it’s no longer something in my back pocket as a last resort – it’s now the next resort. Ideally I didn’t want it to come to that but that is now on the line.
In terms of what triggered me, I think it was just a general build up of stress & boredom over the week at work. Feeling confused about a few matters. General depression making me feel little day to day issues are mountains rather than mole hills. Ideally I wouldn’t have to go to work but at the moment it’s a necessity so I really need to work hard at my recovery work and not let work force me to act out. I don’t want to go into details but my home situation isn’t ideal in terms of who I live with. Ideally I would like to live alone, but financially that isn’t an option at the moment. Well it is in a way, but it would be a lot more expensive and whilst I expect I would be happier outside work (although this isn’t guaranteed) I would be under a lot more stress in general (particularly at work). It’s not that I actively dislike who I live with, but sometimes after work I just want my own space with no one talking to me or getting in my space. Sometimes it all builds up and the discord triggers me into acting out as some kind of relief.
Anyway, hopefully I can continue working hard at recovery and the big change is that going to 12 step meetings in person is round the corner if I can’t stay sober from this point on.
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So 7 days of sobriety since my last relapse. Also, I haven’t watched porn or nudity for 21 days now. As expected I’m feeling much more refreshed today. Work kicks back in tomorrow which is going to take up my energy so I really need to focus on keeping up with my recovery work every day this week.